"Teerandaaz' - The Archer

So ... What counts in a relationship is...

2012-01-29T01:54:00.000-08:00

A couple of days back a few of us friends got together after a very long time...

A bunch of boys ( 40 something- behaving like 20 something) being boys ...

The discussion went around a lot of topics and like any such reunion ... we did speak of crushes, attractions, infatuations and then marriage and family ... the high points of being a father and the challenges of setting standards ... our dads and their examples we tried to live up to or not...etc.

I was suitably surprised and pleasantly so to see the quality of conversation had matured with time.

One segment of the discussion however keeps coming back to me as if it were left unanswered and I can’t quite put a closure to it unless I hear a little more from a slightly larger audience with slightly more diverse points of view.

While our banter coursed through time and space and milestones of life a comment on the futility of trying to please one's partner popped up and a cumulative "yeah" or something like that... saw the topic off the table ...the topic left the table but did not vacate the spot in my mind.

While it was an all boys group and the "partner" in this case was referring to the spouse and the concept of "to please" had more to do from the "emotional" and "doing the right things" point of view ... my guess is that it kind of encompassed more than just that as we were also talking of relationships - emotional, physical, social etc.

I wonder if the sentiment would be the same if the composition of the group was flipped or had a different composition of gender, age, marital status…?

There have been times when I and probably every man alive who has ever been in a relationship would have heard the partner say ..." you just don’t care..." or "... you never listen to me..." or "... how does it matter...."

I know for a fact that my wife has heard it from me on at least as many occasions as I and not for a moment am I saying that it is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship... probably just the other way around, it is a sign of a very sound relationship where each person feels comfortable saying what is on the mind rather than letting it fester inside.

This thought then leads me to look further to seek to understand just how many of us know what is really important and what counts in a relationship...?

To make things a little more focused, let us look at the larger picture from specific angles one at a time and not sit on judgment on the right or wrong of different expectations but try and look inwards at our own preparedness for any such relationship.

To start with, let’s define the following:
Protagonists: There are only 2 players in this scene my partner (husband, wife, someone special) and myself.
Scope of Influence: Inter-personal interface - emotional, physical and psychological
Scope of discovery: Just me and how informed and prepared am I….?

Hypotheses: A sustained relationship with a single individual over an extended period of time:
1. Is fraught with unstated bi-lateral expectations.
2. Has an under recognized and subliminal pressure to perform
3. Has been proven to have a de-stressing effect to a stressed mind.
4. Has been proven to have a distressing effect to a stressed mind.
5. Can be both extremely fragile and resilient at the same time.

Here are a few questions for my readers to respond to… you could either write the answers in the comment box below or write into my FB inbox or send me an email – subir.sen@subirsen.com or decide and choose not to respond.

You could also respond to a surveymonkey link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/HWGQ8H9) if that works for you…

Remember … this is not a judgment forum… it is a tickler for the mind and your responses will be treated as absolutely confidential, anonymous and for research purposes only. Be honest to your self when you answer … answer with the current status of your relationship in mind and answer with “What is” and not “What should be...” or "What I wish it were..."
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Question 1
Three things that your partner does that:
1. Make you feel loved
2. Make you feel proud
3. Make you feel romantic
4. Make you get intellectually excited
5. Get you physically aroused
6. Make you feel totally relaxed

Question 2
Three things that your partner does that:
1. Make you feel neglected/taken for granted
2. Make you feel embarrassed
3. Put you off
4. Make you feel dumb
5. Are physical turn offs
6. Get you all stressed and worried

Question 3
Three things that you do that:
1. Makes your partner feel loved
2. Makes your partner feel proud
3. Makes your partner feel romantic
4. Makes your partner get intellectually excited
5. Gets your partner physically aroused
6. Make your partner feel totally relaxed

Question 4
Three things that you do that:
1. Makes your partner feel neglected/taken for granted
2. Makes your partner feel embarrassed
3. Puts your partner off
4. Makes your partner feel dumb
5. Are physical turn offs for your partner
6. Gets your partner all stressed and worried

Time stands still.... friends forever

2009-10-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

Facebook has changed the lives of many people... and I am one who has been profoundly impacted by the power of re-connecting with friends ...long lost but never forgotten... Early this year I randomly typed in some names in the search on FB and found Gaurav Puri... and sent him an invite... Lo-behold in less than 24 hours I had connected up with 27 old friends after almost 28 years. We decided to meet up in Delhi and just as I sat back to think I got this urge to write about those days ....

I realized that getting my thoughts in chronological order is almost impossible after 28 years and specially when these amazing flashes from the past almost blind me with the vividness of spring greenery...We had started using fountain pens in grade 5 and I had earned the choice of my "First" pen by passing my "CAT Board" (A term used in the Airforce to referto Catergory board exams- qualification in flying capabilities) which involved taking dad from Central Vista Hostle Rajendra Prasad Road to Connaught Place ( Indian Oil Bhavan)... I loved my pen ( still have a penchant for collecting fountan pens) - it had a transparant body with a navy blue cap. Given the time and age I realize now that it must have been an achievement to have kept it safe for over one year without breaking the nib or losing it... ( I had gone through 2-3 other pens in the same perod) This one was truly special.

When I joined BBAFS (as AFBBS was called then) It was this pen that I carried with me, having washed the pen clean and filled it with royal blue Chelpark ink.One day at lunch after Ravi and I had done our Doodh ritual and the Food part was over we came back to class to find Bobby Rakesh Mailk, Sunny Rajesh Malik, Vijay and if I recollect correctly Joydeep and Asim playind catch with various thing collectedfrom different desks. My Pen was one of the articles...!!! My heart skipped a beat and I rushed to grab it from Sunny but he ran and dodged around at this point mind blurred to the rest of the group... all I could see was Sunny with my pen in hand. he grabbed a SetSquare while on the run and stuck it into the clip of the pen... I had not the faintest idea what was playing on his mind till I saw him stop - take the cap off and stick it on the other end of the pen ... I was at the other end of the class... He called out to me to catch... as he launched it like a paper plane...I froze and saw my pen fly through the air and hit the soft board. ... If it had stuck ... maybe ... it would have survived ... but it went on to land on the floor and before I could react someone stepped on it...I was devasted and Sunny was on my "most hated " list for some time. I swore never to forgive him.... for an 11 year old it was almost like the end of the world... though one still gets strong emotions about people and things .. it was very big for me then....

TIME FLIES
Almost 20 years later I was on my way back from Calcutta to Delhi on Jetairways - Late evening flight- The in-flight supervisor (Mukhya priveshika) announced the name of he captain and the first officer on the flight deck (in Hindi - Mukhya vaimanik ) and I heard Sunny Mailk... I waited for her to repeat the names (in english) ...at that moment and for almost 3 days after that the episode of the flying pen did not even strike me..... I picked up the a tissue scribbled a note to the captain and asked the purser to give it to Capt. Malik... The gentlman came back and told me that the captain would be just out as we were approaching cruising altitude. Sunny had changed a lot, but his smile was still ass (as) bright... brighter infact due to lack of contrast that we have to suffer because of all the hair we carry on our heads!!!We chatted for almost half an hour and he took me up front to the flight deck and let me get a peek into his office. ( this was before it became illegal) he intoduce me to a his first officer and it was a day to remember...

TIME HEALS
As we grow older (and I have done 2 score years on this planet) I guess some of us figure that what is critical today may well be totally insignificant later... Today I am really looking forward to meeting Sunny again at the reunion. The Pen is now only an anecdote I use to tell my son - to behave now- else 28 years later it may just come back to haunt ( He is in the 5th garde)... Today Sunny would call in sick and not take an international flight if he knew I was comming into town... That's a friend .... a friend I cherish... May be he will buy me a Mont Blanc writing insrument someday... maybe he wont! I still Love Sunny...He is a pilot now... he was a pilot then...I could have killed him then - I'd trust him with my life now...It just is not fretting about things ... objects... Life is too short... It is about Loving People and Using things ... and not Loving things and using people...

ps. We had our reunion .... The first person from our class that I met was Sunny ... he insisted I meet up at his place and since I was flying in just for the re-union I drove straight to his place... The Cherry Smiling face of Capt. Malik greeted me at the door and he pulled out this gift wrapped box... A CROSS fountain pen ... Silver and Gold... today it is my MOST prized possession

pps. I write this note my friend Sunny finishes his Final days with Jet Airways after 11 years of dedicated service to 9W and is on the move to the middle east to a new assignment... All the Best Sunny .... Happy Landings and glad tidings!

Dance to remember

2009-03-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

A small note from a friend of mine which I just HAD to snag... Thanks Nithya.

"When we give ourselves over completely to the spirit of dance, it becomes a prayer"

It is like being touched by the divine.
When i surrender to dance there is no one but GOD and myself.
It is the ultimate way to connect with THE SUPREME.

"I have danced in joy and sorrow. I have danced in hope and anger. I have danced in prayer and surrender."

Where are the keepers of Morality....as the poor Indian dies?

2009-02-24T00:25:00.000-08:00

In the wake of the 26/11 disaster - one question kept popping up in my mind... where are the "Marathi Manus" when Mumbai burnt?

Then the bunch of Morality Morons at Manngalore popped up and then the whole set of Political Know-it- nones (as opposed to Know-it-alls) jumped in to the fray with comments on What is "Indian" culture and what is Christian (sic) culture... What got me even more confused was that the High Lords of the Political system and the people elected by the people were differentiating Indians and Christians!!! As opposed to Indian and western - I guess.

The other day my son asked if A*** Khan and S****** Khan were from a certain religious group and when I said "yes" He said - But I thought they were Indians! Now for a 10 year old if these small differences started so early and typecasts are getting set without any such converstions at home .... I am truly scared.

I once had a simmilar question of my dad when I saw a Sikh gentleman in Calcutta speaking chaste bangla with a group of Marwari shop keepers in Bou bazar the gold market... and Baba told me that Religion is not restricted to a place as people of any place of residence can practice any religion of their choice. The question of mother tongue and place of birth did not quite come up... however today it seems that issues like that have overshadowed the the INDIAN.

What can we the non-kannadiga, o-bangali, non-northIndian, non-Bhaiyya, Non- Lungi do to bring back to life the INDIAN the Bharatiya the Soul and culture of Atithi Devo Bhava, Acharya devo Bhava ???

I seek answers from the parents of today and the parents of tomorrow....

Mumbai

2008-11-28T00:49:00.000-08:00

With all thats been happening over the last two days at Mumbai here is a poem written by Dinesh Gopalan a frien of mine .... Cheers Dinesh...

Mumbai

The troubles of the world are ours,
To own up and act upon,
There's no such thing as, It's too far,
For us to waste our time on.
Nothing's too far in time, or place,
There's no such thing as remote,
There's no such thing as a safe place,
An unassailable fort.
Let's stop building moats around ourselves,
Smug in our own cocoons,
Let's tear the walls that bind us,
and think beyond our own confines.
No act of terror is far from home,
No person killed a stranger,
The world needs to stand and fight as one,
This ever-present danger.

Dinesh Gopalan

Robby's Night True Story -- Worth Reading!!!

2007-06-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends I have not written or composed this story.This was a blog posted by a friend (absoluteclass.rediffiland.com) and it is so beautiful that I thought I would share this with all.

Robby's Night True Story -- Worth Reading!!!

At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented students. However I've also had my share of what I call "musically challenged" pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student.

Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn. Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.

Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons. I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!

Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify. He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing "Miss Hondorf I've just got to play!" he insisted. I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right.

The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my "curtain closer."

Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. "Why didn't he dress up like the other students?" I thought. "Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?"

Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo; From allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause.

Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it? " Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Hondorf . . .. Remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning And well . . She was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special." There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening.

As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.

No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy. . . Of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil for it is he who taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why.

Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995.

And then what...

2007-01-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

So someone told me it is not "FACTs" that make things happen... it is the feelings and that I should try and say ... "I missed you today..." ... believe me ... it worked.

Strange are the ways of this world of the fairer gender... someone I know loves to quote from "Men are from...." and I believe there are times I tend to agree that we are really from a different planet.

Hey ... I love you and that is why you are my wife!!! I love you and that is why we are together... else we would not be seeing each other or be married or whatever... why should one have any doubts on that... is there no concept of free will?

Human beings have the power of choice and that applies to relationship decisions as much as anything else and love is unconditional and unlimited. Love is not a zero sum game... so why should one interfere with any other relationship?

Say something... Anything...

2006-12-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

Since when did "Saying Anything" make a difference?

As I understand conversations : When the male protagonist usually says ... "Say something... " he knows exactly what he wants to hear and will willy-nilly drive the conversation to that endgame.

But I wonder if the the same holds true for the Lady???

She says ... " all I want is to hear your voice" and then when I give the run down on my day at work in my most soft voice ... she says "... and .... then..."

...AND THEN WHAT???? "

Be romantic...." How can one BE romantic on demand?

"... Just keep talking .. your voice is so soothing... SOOTHING??? Now that is not being helpful... We need a direction to talk... we need objective and strategy... conversation is not NOT meant to be aimless meandering conversation with no endgame...

So when someone ... Anyone says ..."... say something... anything..." what does it mean???

Humm where do I begin...?

2006-12-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

INDIA... Home, the country of all religions.

One season that truely unites the urban diaspora is that of Christmas... the holiday season- to be politically correct.

I wonder if anyone thinks of where the energy and enthusiasm for the shopping and packing and decorating comes from?

We have this extremely devout Hindu family in our neighbourhood. Since I have moved there recently , I only have social chit chat with the newspaper man, cable guy, and the maids to validate but the family is supposed to be steeped in tradition and and rituals.

Yesterday I saw the gentleman come home with a christmas tree and loads of gifts and wrapping paper. So here is a person so steeped in rituals and religion that even the domestic help cannot be of any other religion, and only vegetarian food is cooked at home - but when it comes to festivities and the holiday season it is just fine to take on alien traditions.

Man is intrinsically a social animal. Religion ans rituals are just embellishments on the natural.

Take a reasonable individual and and ask him what he thinks of the world around him .... 9 out of 10 times the response would NOT be about religion... but look around your self in any ANY part of the world... the root cause of misery is either the wrath of nature or it is religion.

My kids often ask me of our religion... I am wont to answer that we are Humans. Religion is something you choose as an individual, it is your own PERSONAL belief.