A couple of days back a few of us friends got together after a very long time...
A bunch of boys ( 40 something- behaving like 20 something) being boys ...
The discussion went around a lot of topics and like any such reunion ...
we did speak of crushes, attractions, infatuations and then marriage and family ... the high points of being a father and the challenges of setting standards ... our dads and their examples we tried to live up to or not...etc.
I was suitably surprised and pleasantly so to see the quality of conversation had matured with time.
One segment of the discussion however keeps coming back to me as if it were left unanswered and I can’t quite put a closure to it unless I hear a little more from a slightly larger audience with slightly more diverse points of view.
While our banter coursed through time and space and milestones of life a comment on the futility of trying to please one's partner popped up and a cumulative "yeah" or something like that... saw the topic off the table ...the topic left the table but did not vacate the spot in my mind.
While it was an all boys group and the "partner" in this case was referring to the spouse and the concept of "to please" had more to do from the "emotional" and "doing the right things" point of view ... my guess is that it kind of encompassed more than just that as we were also talking of relationships - emotional, physical, social etc.
I wonder if the sentiment would be the same if the composition of the group was flipped or had a different composition of gender, age, marital status…?
There have been times when I and probably every man alive who has ever been in a relationship would have heard the partner say ..." you just don’t care..." or "... you never listen to me..." or "... how does it matter...."
I know for a fact that my wife has heard it from me on at least as many occasions as I and not for a moment am I saying that it is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship... probably just the other way around, it is a sign of a very sound relationship where each person feels comfortable saying what is on the mind rather than letting it fester inside.
This thought then leads me to look further to seek to understand just how many of us know what is really important and what counts in a relationship...?
To make things a little more focused, let us look at the larger picture from specific angles one at a time and not sit on judgment on the right or wrong of different expectations but try and look inwards at our own preparedness for any such relationship.
To start with, let’s define the following:
Protagonists: There are only 2 players in this scene my partner (husband, wife, someone special) and myself.
Scope of Influence: Inter-personal interface - emotional, physical and psychological
Scope of discovery: Just me and how informed and prepared am I….?
Hypotheses: A sustained relationship with a single individual over an extended period of time:
1. Is fraught with unstated bi-lateral expectations.
2. Has an under recognized and subliminal pressure to perform
3. Has been proven to have a de-stressing effect to a stressed mind.
4. Has been proven to have a distressing effect to a stressed mind.
5. Can be both extremely fragile and resilient at the same time.
Here are a few questions for my readers to respond to… you could either write the answers in the comment box below or write into my FB inbox or send me an email – subir.sen@subirsen.com or decide and choose not to respond.
A bunch of boys ( 40 something- behaving like 20 something) being boys ...
The discussion went around a lot of topics and like any such reunion ...
we did speak of crushes, attractions, infatuations and then marriage and family ... the high points of being a father and the challenges of setting standards ... our dads and their examples we tried to live up to or not...etc.I was suitably surprised and pleasantly so to see the quality of conversation had matured with time.
One segment of the discussion however keeps coming back to me as if it were left unanswered and I can’t quite put a closure to it unless I hear a little more from a slightly larger audience with slightly more diverse points of view.
While our banter coursed through time and space and milestones of life a comment on the futility of trying to please one's partner popped up and a cumulative "yeah" or something like that... saw the topic off the table ...the topic left the table but did not vacate the spot in my mind.
While it was an all boys group and the "partner" in this case was referring to the spouse and the concept of "to please" had more to do from the "emotional" and "doing the right things" point of view ... my guess is that it kind of encompassed more than just that as we were also talking of relationships - emotional, physical, social etc.
I wonder if the sentiment would be the same if the composition of the group was flipped or had a different composition of gender, age, marital status…?
There have been times when I and probably every man alive who has ever been in a relationship would have heard the partner say ..." you just don’t care..." or "... you never listen to me..." or "... how does it matter...."
I know for a fact that my wife has heard it from me on at least as many occasions as I and not for a moment am I saying that it is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship... probably just the other way around, it is a sign of a very sound relationship where each person feels comfortable saying what is on the mind rather than letting it fester inside.
This thought then leads me to look further to seek to understand just how many of us know what is really important and what counts in a relationship...?
To make things a little more focused, let us look at the larger picture from specific angles one at a time and not sit on judgment on the right or wrong of different expectations but try and look inwards at our own preparedness for any such relationship.
To start with, let’s define the following:Protagonists: There are only 2 players in this scene my partner (husband, wife, someone special) and myself.
Scope of Influence: Inter-personal interface - emotional, physical and psychological
Scope of discovery: Just me and how informed and prepared am I….?
Hypotheses: A sustained relationship with a single individual over an extended period of time:
1. Is fraught with unstated bi-lateral expectations.
2. Has an under recognized and subliminal pressure to perform
3. Has been proven to have a de-stressing effect to a stressed mind.
4. Has been proven to have a distressing effect to a stressed mind.
5. Can be both extremely fragile and resilient at the same time.
Here are a few questions for my readers to respond to… you could either write the answers in the comment box below or write into my FB inbox or send me an email – subir.sen@subirsen.com or decide and choose not to respond.
You could also respond to a surveymonkey link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/HWGQ8H9) if that works for you…
Remember … this is not a judgment forum… it is a tickler for the mind and your responses will be treated as absolutely confidential, anonymous and for research purposes only. Be honest to your self when you answer … answer with the current status of your relationship in mind and answer with “What is” and not “What should be...” or "What I wish it were..."
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Question 1
Three things that your partner does that:
1. Make you feel loved
2. Make you feel proud
3. Make you feel romantic
4. Make you get intellectually excited
5. Get you physically aroused
6. Make you feel totally relaxed
Question 2
Three things that your partner does that:
1. Make you feel neglected/taken for granted
2. Make you feel embarrassed
3. Put you off
4. Make you feel dumb
5. Are physical turn offs
6. Get you all stressed and worried
Question 3
Three things that you do that:
1. Makes your partner feel loved
2. Makes your partner feel proud
3. Makes your partner feel romantic
4. Makes your partner get intellectually excited
5. Gets your partner physically aroused
6. Make your partner feel totally relaxed
Question 4
Three things that you do that:
1. Makes your partner feel neglected/taken for granted
2. Makes your partner feel embarrassed
3. Puts your partner off
4. Makes your partner feel dumb
5. Are physical turn offs for your partner
6. Gets your partner all stressed and worried
Remember … this is not a judgment forum… it is a tickler for the mind and your responses will be treated as absolutely confidential, anonymous and for research purposes only. Be honest to your self when you answer … answer with the current status of your relationship in mind and answer with “What is” and not “What should be...” or "What I wish it were..."
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Question 1
Three things that your partner does that:
1. Make you feel loved
2. Make you feel proud
3. Make you feel romantic
4. Make you get intellectually excited
5. Get you physically aroused
6. Make you feel totally relaxed
Question 2
Three things that your partner does that:
1. Make you feel neglected/taken for granted
2. Make you feel embarrassed
3. Put you off
4. Make you feel dumb
5. Are physical turn offs
6. Get you all stressed and worried
Question 3
Three things that you do that:
1. Makes your partner feel loved
2. Makes your partner feel proud
3. Makes your partner feel romantic
4. Makes your partner get intellectually excited
5. Gets your partner physically aroused
6. Make your partner feel totally relaxed
Question 4
Three things that you do that:
1. Makes your partner feel neglected/taken for granted
2. Makes your partner feel embarrassed
3. Puts your partner off
4. Makes your partner feel dumb
5. Are physical turn offs for your partner
6. Gets your partner all stressed and worried
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